Thoughts

What's happening in Baltimore makes me very angry...but it makes me even more sad. The state of humanity in America today truly frightens me. Every day I hear news that makes me glad I'm not raising a child into this world. It seems as if the only way we know how to behave is badly. I believe there are good, honest, people everywhere...be they civilian or government. We as a society are allowing those who are corrupt and evil way too much power and influence; to such a degree that we are becoming what we should be fighting against. When you allow hate to penetrate your heart and mind, you open yourself to the very traits you despise. We must be smarter than our enemies, we must be stronger-mentally and spiritually instead of physically. We must be strategic in thinking and planning for long-term, lasting results, instead of reacting in the moment in ways that can only set us back. I see so many posts on social media stating outrage over what are definitely horrific, unjust events...what I don't see on my timelines are any actions or solutions. I'm not saying that I have taken major steps to affect change myself, I'm saying that I know I can do more and that I know violence is not the answer. I know that giving racist assholes a reason to justify their actions is not the answer. Many times in my life I've learned how difficult it is to swallow anger and "be the better person", but I have learned that that is how I can achieve results. Every time I've reacted from a place of anger or hurt instead of rational thought, the results have been negative. 

Just my current thoughts. Whether you agree or disagree, I hope it makes you think. Peace and love as always. 

Hate

Every day I wake up thankful, happy to see a new day and hopeful that it will be a great one. Every day I see, hear, and read things that make me sad, angry, and even afraid...things that make me worry. I worry about the future...my own and the future of those I care for. I worry about my country, I worry about the future of mankind in general. I am afraid that the world is moving towards a place from which it will become unrecognizable to me. I worry that the evil in the world is quickly overpowering the good. When I was a child, I thought that my life would be amazing when I grew up. I had such hope that things could only get better, that I would grow up and leave, escaping the abuse and making something of my life. Well, I did grow up, I did leave, and despite many setbacks...I'm doing ok. I never dreamed that the pitiful state of humanity would be the one thing that I can never escape.

Every single day, I see, hear, and read things that make me cringe. I wonder how people ever conceive of doing the horrendous things they do to each other. Murder, assault and all types of violent acts, rape, abuse, neglect, bullying, drugs, theft, burglary, etc etc etc. Not to even mention war and all the horrific things that go along with it...the ramifications of chemical and nuclear warfare scare the absolute crap out of me. I am especially affected by stories of child abuse; be it physical, mental, emotional, or sexual. This is partly because of my own experiences, but mainly because the idea of hurting an utterly innocent child in any way is just unfathomable to me...what can a defenseless child have possibly done to deserve to be hurt?

But what concerns me the most right now is hate. Hate, and fear. Ignorance. This is how Merriam-Webster defines hate in noun and verb form:

 a :  intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
b :  extreme dislike or antipathy :  loathing
: to dislike (someone or something) very strongly : to feel hate for (someone) : to find (something) very unpleasant
1:  to feel extreme enmity toward
2:  to have a strong aversion to :  find very distasteful

I personally have an extremely low tolerance for any type of hate; racism, hatred based on religious or political views and beliefs, hatred based on sexual orientation or preference, sexism, ageism, or anything else ignorant people hate based solely on the fact that it is different to themselves. I seriously don't understand the amount of energy, time, and resources people put into hating and persecuting whole groups of other human beings...the amount of themselves they dedicate to tearing down others rather than building themselves or others UP. Hatred breeds more hatred. Every time you participate in a hate-related act, whether aggressively or passively, you propagate the hatred. Every time you laugh at a hate-related joke, or repost that hateful FB story or meme, you are promoting the act of hate. Every time you see, hear, or read something hate-related and just accept it as ok....you are passively promoting it. Every time you use a word that slurs someone else, even when you think it's 'funny', you are being hateful. Yes, YOU are part of the problem.

All that energy, all that time and effort wasted. Imagine what that kind of passion would be capable of accomplishing if it was turned towards something good. Amazing. Imagine a world where people helped each other become better, where all people worked to improve their lives and the lives of those around them. Imagine a world in which our differences are a beautiful thing, instead of something to hate or fear. What if we took the time to learn about other cultures and other religions, and saw the beauty in every face? What if we realized how different beliefs, opinions, and ideas could combine to bring forth incredible knowledge and change the world? What if?

What if we stopped hurting each other, and started healing each other? Maybe I'm incredibly naive to wish for this, but I'd rather be naive and have hope than give up and accept that this is the way the world is. I've been through too much, overcome too many struggles, to simply lay down and accept that things will only get worse. So, I'm asking you, whoever is reading this, to take a moment and think about WHY you have hate in your heart. Where does it come from? When did it start? Does it really make sense to hate millions, or even billions of people, simply because they are different than you are? Only you can answer these questions for yourself, only you can understand why you feel this way. All I'm asking is that you actively think about it.

I also want to ask one more thing...tomorrow, do something nice for someone. Not for someone you already like or love, or know well....but for a stranger or someone who maybe you've never gotten to know because they are different than you. Smile, say hello, have a conversation, give a compliment...but try. Because nothing will ever change if WE don't change as well.

Peace and love to all.

Pain

People hurt each other. Every day. What's worse, is that some do it purposely; it makes them feel more powerful, more in control of their own lives. It makes them feel better to see another's pain; that 'misery loves company' bullshit. Others do it because they don't care, or don't think, about the effects their actions have on others. And sometimes, they are just so very busy hurting themselves, that they lash out against anyone who gets too close, without even realizing it.

I make a conscious effort not to hurt anyone; I've been on the receiving end way too many times. That being said, I am far from perfect. There are times when it's unavoidable, and the best you can do is be honest. I'd rather be hurt right now by the truth, than be devastated later due to lies and betrayal. The truth can hurt, but it's far kinder in the long run than deception. Armed with the truth, you can adapt, make changes, or simply accept things as they are. You're not left to wander about with assumptions or misconceptions. And, you can own your own part in the situation...the truth leaves no room for denial...IF you really hear it that is.  

I've been hurt more times than I can describe here; in more ways than I knew were possible. Yet somehow, I go on trying to build relationships, both romantic and friendly. I continue trying to trust people. I give my trust, and my affection, too easily...or so I've been told. Simply put, I keep hoping. Hoping for that one person who will deserve all that I have to offer. Maybe I'm just foolish, stupid even. A friend compared it to the snake scenario: where every time you stick your hand out, you get bitten by a snake...so eventually you stop sticking your hand out. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. Me, I just keep sticking my stupid hand out...I try to pet the damn snake. I'm sure there is some deeper message for me to discover here, like the snake in the garden of Eden or something...but it escapes me. Temptation? Sounds better than stupid. Better than acknowledging that I'm constantly reaching and yearning for something that......shit, just may be unattainable. 

So, if I allow that to happen, then I must own up to my part in the affair...I have to accept that putting myself out there can have painful consequences. In any given situation, no matter how horrible the crime the other person commits against you...there is still a point where you have to acknowledge your part. Even if it was just allowing it to happen, or ignoring the signs, or leaving things unsaid and leaving room for misunderstandings. Or just for not standing up for yourself! Owning your part, and forgiving yourself, is an integral part of the healing process. The next step is forgiving the one who hurt you, because if you don't, you will never have peace. Forgiveness is not about them, it's about you holding your hurt and anger close to you like a child's security blanket. When you refuse to forgive, you are refusing to let go. You're closing yourself off to any future pain by holding on to the existing pain. 'See me? You can't hurt me, I won't let you, see I already have this pain right here! I win!" WTF do you win? It's all loss...you're losing any opportunities for happiness, and you're letting the one who hurt you, win. Trust me, they're not bothered, they're not thinking about you, they've moved on. They have no idea what they left behind...because they're not looking back. And if they do, it's up to them to deal with it. They have to come to terms with what they've done, and with themselves and whatever demons cause them to do hurtful things. You can't worry about them, you can only heal yourself. Forgive them, and forget them, as they have most likely forgotten you. 

Ugh...I'm definitely preaching to the choir. And by choir, I mean myself. Have I ever mentioned I'm a terrible singer? It's so very easy to tell others what to do, how to heal, blah blah blah. Not as easy to take your own advice. I write more for myself than for the few of you who actually read my ramblings...it's my way of working things out sometimes. I struggle every day to live in the present, and look towards the future, leaving the past behind. Maybe I don't always succeed...but I am trying. 

The fucked-up compliment

Today's VSA: When giving a compliment, do just that. Give a COMPLIMENT. Do not add a justification or reason why. That pretty much negates the compliment, leaving the receiver feeling kind of like shit.

Here are a few examples:

*you look great, for your age.

*you're pretty, for a (insert race here) girl.

*you can't possibly be (insert age or age) looking like that.

*you're a really smart (insert race) girl

*you're the sexiest (insert race) girl I've ever seen

Get my point? Just say she is attractive, smart, sexy, whatever...without adding anything else. The so-called justification implies that you believe someone of my age/race/whatever can't be whatever you're supposedly complimenting. It's a form of prejudice, to be brutally honest. One of which you may be completely unaware you are perpetuating. It means that somewhere inside, you feel the need to justify to YOURSELF that it's ok to find that person attractive/sexy/smart/etc, DESPITE their age or race. This justification is for you....she doesn't need to hear it. You, however, need to look to self and recognize what compels you to do it.

Try this instead:

*You are a (insert adjective of choice, ie: pretty, sexy, beautiful, smart, funny) woman.

SO SIMPLE. And will leave her feeling great! Bonus, if you're trying to hit one her, I promise you will get better results! 

Closed doors.

I'm definitely all up in my feelings at the moment. Funny how one thing can bring back bad memories and bad feelings. We always want closure on past relationships, but how often does that ever actually happen? Sometimes just closing the door behind you, and walking down a different hallway, seems like the only way to cope. But, what happens when your journey somehow brings you back to that same door, only to find that you didn't close it as firmly as you thought? Or, that whatever you left behind that door, has stood up and followed right behind you, always staying a few feet behind, hiding around back corners, just waiting for a moment (opportunity?) to jump out suddenly and yell, "HEY! Oh, didn't you know I'm still here? I've never left you." But I'm rambling.

Why IS it so hard to leave the past behind us? I'll be honest, a lot of my past was truly horrible, and I've worked very hard to move forward and look only towards the future. Or, at the simplest, just to be thankful for my present, and hope for more. There are definite situations where I never had 'closure'; never found out the why, never received an apology, an explanation, a thank you, or a an honest goodbye. And, if I'm still being truthful (why bother even typing this if I'm not), times when I've not given any of those either. When I really think about it... the things I'm at peace with, I'm there because of ME, not due to anything the other person said or did. I'm at peace because I made the decision to let go, to not be held hostage one more moment by ghosts of past hurts, and to forgive. I'm at peace because I looked inside, and learned to understand myself, my feelings, and my reactions. I learned that although I can't prevent or control other people's actions, I can very much handle MY actions, and reactions. I can recognize my triggers, and how I respond to them; and stop myself from hitting back. I can stop hurting myself further by acknowledging that when people do things to hurt you, it has more to do with their pain than your own. I can forgive them, and move on. I can forgive myself, for allowing it to happen, and by owning my part. Ghandi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." It's very true, it takes more strength to be a victor than a victim. But you must choose that, you must consciously choose to stand strong. Holding on to anger and hurt only affects you; the other person has most likely forgotten or moved on. Hating them is toxic, poisonous for you only, eating away at your heart and soul, and leaving less room for love and joy. Martin Luther King, Jr said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." If you sit with your anger and hate in a darkened room, refusing to see the light or let in love, you will remain miserable and alone. While others are out living in the sunshine, I may add.

Yes, there are still a few ghosts living in my closet, and a few monsters hiding under my bed... and sometimes they peek out at me. I'm guilty of shutting the door, closing the dust ruffle, and tucking my feet up sometimes. Other times I peek right back, stare them right in the eye, and say GTFOH! Someday I hope to have bid them all goodbye. For now, I think I will go sit outside. Love.

It's been a long time...

It's been so long since I've posted here, I don't even know where to begin. I've been through so much this year, there's definitely been plenty to write about...but somehow it feels like complaining. My intention was never for this blog to become a pity party, more to just express myself and sometimes, to just ramble. So, I've stayed away because I had nothing 'happy' to say. I'm realizing that I need this outlet, I need to stop internalizing the pain and let it go. Who cares what people think, if it helps me? Not that I don't value your opinions...I do. But honestly, the few people who actually may read this would understand anyway.

That's all for now...I will be posting soon. Just letting my fingers get in a bit of practice. Peace.

Has social media killed your social life?

We all love social media, myself included. Twitter, facebook, tumblr, skype, oovoo, liveprofile, etc etc. We behave as if we couldn't live without technology...text, email, BBM, IM. Yes, it saves time, but the result is that people don't actually TALK anymore. When you hear someone's voice, you also hear tone and inflection. Very important factors in determining emotion, intent, and honesty. Especially when a face-to-face conversation is not possible. You also may only be getting the person's 'representative', because it's easy to hind behind a computer or cell phone screen. Words are just that...words...nothing can replace personal interaction. We think we really KNOW people from twitter or facebook! People we have never met, or spoken to over the phone. Our generation is losing out and in danger of becoming unable to deal with people on a direct, intimate level. Young adults think nothing of texting while in the middle of a conversation, or even while working directly with a customer. I was raised that it's disrespectful not to give the person in front of you your full attention, and that if you need to take a call, check a text, email or whatever, you should excuse yourself. I am guilty of this from time to time as well, I can't even lie.What I also know is that I have been involved with men who REFUSED to talk on the phone, "I hate the phone" "texting is easier" "bbm is faster" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Perfect example...he travelled a lot for work, but didn't like to talk on the phone. Well sir, if I haven't seen you for two weeks, I need to hear your voice. A text just doesn't cut it. I love to text, I really do...it's quick, easy, and allows you to multitask better. But beware the person who NEVER calls...he/she is hiding something, intentionally or not. Or he/she lacks important communications skills. Either way, it's a red flag which causes me to throw in the towel.

Be well, friends. Hope to talk to you soon ;)

Help me to understand...

I need help trying to make sense of something....what could possibly drive a mother to cause the death of her child? In the past few years, I have seen an increasing number of news stories about this- mother drives her car, with her kids in it, into a river or lake, killing all...mother poisons her children then herself... But I have also seen fathers who have killed their entire family, wife and kids, then sometimes herself. My mind just can not wrap itself around this. I suppose it upsets me more when it's the mother, as opposed to the father...simply because she carried that child within her for nine months, and went through childbirth to give it life. Seems like that bond would be stronger. (I'm in no way discounting a father's bond)

Honestly, I'm always surprised and hurt to hear of any abuse towards children...whether it be physical or emotional... but MURDER? Although the fact that I am still capable of being surprised is somewhat extraordinary, considering the abuse I was dealt as a child and teenager. But.......MURDER? And suicide? What could possibly be more selfish and cowardly? As a parent, if you want to die, fine, you're selfish as hell...but don't kill your child(ren) as well. Why should an innocent child lose his or her life because you are too cowardly to overcome whatever obstacles have been thrown your way? Life can be hard as hell, and sometimes it seems like too much to bear, I understand that. But when you make the decision to bring a life into the world, you take on responsibility for that life. Forever, and beyond. If you can't handle it, find someone else who can. There are so many people unable to have children, who would jump through hoops for the opportunity to love and care for a child...why deny your child a chance to live and become the amazing person they were born to be? Simply because you are selfish enough to believe that the life God gave you is worth nothing, and that you have the right to throw it away?!? Selfish enough to believe that only your feelings matter? What about the people left behind...children, parents, family and friends....everyone is important in someone's life, whether they realize it or not. Suicide is an act of cowardice and pride...too scared to live and to proud to ask for help.

I am unafraid to ask for help; at this point in my life I have learned that it doesn't make me weak, it shows my inner strength and faith...in myself, my God, and in those I choose to include in my life. So...help me to understand this, my friends...

LOVE.

Strong

All my life people have been telling me how strong I am. Friends, lovers, ex-lovers, relatives, etc. usually it is around the time said person is breaking my heart, hurting me, betraying me, cheating on me, not being there for me or supporting me, or any other type of thing that precludes me having a reason to 'be strong'.

Yes, I am a strong woman. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I can, have and will survive whatever life throws at me. Does this mean I can never let go and be weak? That I can never lean on someone else for a bit? Do I really have to always suck it up and keep it moving? And please tell me WHY this seems to be an excuse for people to hurt me? "Vicki, you're a strong woman, you can handle it." Those words are like a death sentence...and I am so very tired of hearing them. No, I do not want to be a weak, spineless mess who can't take care of herself. But is there no middle ground? Where is the man who can be my strength when I am failing, who will always be there no matter what, to celebrate the ups and share the downs of life? Dear God, I take so much of my strength from you, and without you I know I am nothing. I know that you have someone special for me...can you please send him to me soon, as I don't know how much longer this woman can be this strong alone on this earth. Love.

See you...

I believe people come into your life for a reason. You can't always determine that reason at the first meeting. Sometimes it is crystal clear...sometimes it may take weeks, months, or even years. Other times you may not understand until the person is gone from your life. Yet still others it's a case of right person, wrong time...which seems to be the story of my life.

In the words of the amazing Ms. Erykah Badu...I guess I'll see you next lifetime...

Dating in the A

Is it just me....or is dating in Atlanta a little more difficult and frustrating than elsewhere? I don't know if it's the ratio of available, straight men to women, or if it's the "Hollywood" mentality, or simply just that Atlanta is a single person's city...all I know is it's damn hard!

The men here just seem to feel that it's okay to behave badly, because we don't have a lot of options. It seems they think it's acceptable to miss dates or phone calls, or disappear for days at a time, and then just say "I was busy" with no apology required. And we should be grateful they've called us at all! Please understand that I am not man-bashing...I definitely don't believe all men are dogs, etc etc. I realize that many women have enabled this type of behavior, by accepting bullshit on the premise that they must in order to keep a man in this market. Believing that if a man is relatively attractive and employed, they should be thankful to have him, and consequently shut the hell up. Ummmmm....NO. Guess what? I myself am relatively attractive and employed....among other more important qualities that should make a man feel lucky to have me in their life. I don't feel that I ask a lot, just basic courtesy and respect...keep your word, do what you say you will do (when you say you will do it), keep the lines of communication open and consistent, spend quality time, and above all- mutual respect. Am I asking too much? And is expressing my feelings and trying to discuss an issue really so very wrong? Sigh...I'm confused. What do YOU think? Feedback would be much appreciated!

Happy?

I feel happy.

I do. For no real reason that I can pinpoint. Just life. Why do I feel like there should be a reason? That in order to be really happy (not just content), something specific has to happen to make it so? Am I really so used to NOT being happy, that it's inconceivable to me?

Yet I am. Sure, ok, I can think of a few reasons why...but nothing major. I've been getting out more, spending time with friends, making new friends, dating, I'm recovering from this injury and my body is getting stronger. I watched a dear friend marry the love of his life, and celebrated the event with people I love and consider family. But, I've also been working hard, long days, I'm not where I'd like to be in my career, I'm in pain quite often and this physical therapy is really hard. I've been hurt recently by a close friend who really took advantage of my kindness, and had to let that person go from my life. I could continue with a list of complaints...but at the end of the day, why bother? I guess I've just reached a point where I'm willing to accept life as it comes. I'm willing to let go of the bad moments, and hold on to the great ones. I'm willing to take each small victory as a step toward the big win. I'm willing to accept people as they are...and either celebrate what they bring to my life, or banish the ones who bring me nothing but pain or drama. I accept ME, as I am, for who I am, and for who I'm still becoming.

Maybe that's the real key to happiness...the ability and the willingness to let go and ALLOW yourself to be happy...to allow yourself to just BE. There is power inside you to achieve anything, if you only let yourself do it. Love.

Ramblings...

Ever feel like you have so much inside just screaming to get out, but when you sit down to write....NOTHING. Too many thoughts and can't compartmentalize well enough to focus on just one. The past few days I have been reflecting on my past; as well as where, what, and who I come from. Wondering if I'm wrong for not trying to reconcile with my family...part of me feels that I "should" be in contact with them, that I should forgive and forget. The rest of me says hell naw! I know what I suffered at their hands, the support that I never had, the sense of loss I feel when others talk about their parents and their childhood. So, why do I feel as though I didn't try hard enough? Or that it's up to me to me to make things right? What is it about family that can make you feel so conflicted? So often I don't think about them, until something or someone triggers a memory. It's so much easier to ignore their existence, than to acknowledge the fact that I simply don't want to deal with them. I somehow feel it makes me a bad person...even though rationally I know I have every right to feel as I do. I guess this goes back to that "not giving up" issue I have! I mean, I'm a grown woman...and I've gotten where I am entirely without them. I am me despite, and yet because of them. Am I as strong and self-sufficient as I am as a result of my upbringing, or was I born this way? In which case I thank God for these gifts that helped me survive and overcome my past.
Ok, I'm going to stop what probably seems like nonsensical rambling now...if you read this-thanks. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. Love

Control

Recently I became aware of a situation where someone was deliberately trying to sabotage me. No, I'm not paranoid...the third party confronted me with the issue and it became clear to both of us what happened. The person tried to manipulate both of us, not realizing that we would talk it through rationally and see the truth. Her goal was obviously to turn us against one another. What's funny is that what she was accusing me of doing, is what she herself was doing. She had been "venting" and "confiding" her thoughts and feelings about this other person to me; and while I did not begin or contribute to these conversations, I realize now that by listening, I too was at fault. I should have immediately responded with "you should tell her you feel that way" or "why don't we just ask her right now?" or simply just changed the subject. I left myself open to her malicious intent, by participating in any conversation at all. Needless to say, it will not happen again. I thought about why someone would do this, and the only answer is insecurity and self doubt. The classic syndrome of trying to make someone else look bad in an attempt to make yourself look better. Sad. This confirmed that this person feels threatened by me...which tells me that I am on the right track! If the only thing she could do to try to make me look bad was lie, then obviously I am doing everything else right...more importantly, better than she is! I win without even entering the race.

When I first heard about this, I was upset and angry. After thinking and praying about it, I decided to forgive and forget. No confrontation, no angry words, no retaliation, not even a discussion to let her know she's been exposed. Why? Because it's simply not necessary. It will soon become very clear to her that I will not participate in any more of her foolishness. I realize that while I can not control her actions, I can control my own. I choose my actions, as well as my reactions. So, I choose not to let her affect me, except as motivation to continue improving myself.

Once again...I will triumph. I will survive. I will be ME. Love.

Nice or Weak?

Recently I've had a few conversations about "niceness" being perceived as a weakness. I personally have felt this way in the past...that people felt it was ok to take advantage of me because I'm so nice, and rarely say no to a request for help. In the past, I have bent over backwards for friends and loved ones, feeling that if they needed me, then I needed to help. Some of those same people disappeared when I was the one in need. I have had to learn how to say no, and to only give what I can afford to lose...be it money, time, or mental and emotional support. What's funny is once I started saying no, they were shocked by it. How dare I, apparently. On the other hand, I know I have been guilty of the same misguided notion that nice equals weak or soft. I have turned down dates because I thought "this guy is too nice, I need a strong man". Yet I have complained when the "strong" men I've chosen turned out to be insensitive and selfish.

Sometimes the motive behind being nice is misjudged. People believe that if they do something for you...help you out or do you a favor...that you now owe them something in return. That's not being nice or kind, that's an exchange of services. A friend of mine recently came to the realization that certain people expect him to "pay back" a favor they've done for him...even when he did not ask for their help, it was freely offered. He is similar to me in that he rarely says no, always helping others out if he is able. The difference is that we never say, "well I did that for you, so now I need this". He feels that he is perceived as weak by these people simply because he has always been willing to help.

I try to be nice in my daily life, expecting nothing, while believing that what I put out into the world will come back to me in some way. It costs me nothing to share a smile or a kind word, to offer a shoulder or an ear, to hold out a hand or offer my support and love. I believe the rewards are endless, beginning with the feeling I get knowing that I have made even a small difference in another's life. I know how many times a few words from a friend have made the difference between hope and despair for me....just the knowledge that someone cares.

What I have stopped doing is giving of myself emotionally to the point that there is nothing left for me, and of my financial resources to the point where it causes me distress. Never again will I lend money to someone with the complete capacity to earn it, and watch them later spend money on material things, knowing they have not paid their debt to me. Yet I will never stop giving aid to those truly in need, be it my time, my heart, my shared experiences, or my money. Too many do not understand the word "give", Webster defines it "to make a gift". A gift, how simple! Not a loan, not an exchange, not a contract, not a debt.

Guess I'm still a "nice" person after all :) Hey, if that makes you see me as weak, ok. Your weak is my strong. Love.

Does letting go make you a quitter?

I am the type of person who hates to quit. Anything. Jobs, goals, people, you name it...if I've committed myself to it, I want, and need, to see it to the end. I have always believed that I can make anything work if I try hard enough. My "where there's a will there's a way" type attitude.

This year I've had to cut a few people loose. In some cases it really hurt, in others it was a relief. I have come to the realization that caring for someone does not mean you must share your life with them. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, and even family. Sometimes you can love someone who causes you a lot of pain and stress. Love, once given, doesn't disappear easily...no matter how badly you want it to. At least not for me. I feel as though I have made so many concessions for those I love over my lifetime, always believing and hoping the person can/will return the favor. To say I love you is to say I believe in you intrinsically. It means I have faith in you...as a person, and as a friend. It means I care enough to help you achieve your dreams, to reach your true potential, to help you become the person I see within. Letting go means I have somehow failed; that I was mistaken in my faith. This is a huge conflict for me, as the only thing that's gotten me through the many trials I've endured is my faith. My faith in God, and the knowledge that he loves me is the only thing in life I am 100% sure of. Consequently, when I share my love, I share that faith. I share the strength and compassion that he has blessed me with; it is my commitment to Him. Nothing, and noone, can ever make me "quit" God. So when I have to make the choice to end a relationship, my heart aches for the failure as well as the loss. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my purpose by giving up on another of his children, as if I am saying this person is not worthy.

I have been hurt, used, and abused by many of the people I loved. Beginning with my family, those who were supposed to love, cherish, and protect me...yet who hurt me most. As a child I was confused by this, as a teenager I began to rebel and fight against it, as an adult I have struggled with the knowledge and pain that the people who gave me life did not sustain me, instead abused me. Even as I still have love in my heart, I remain distant from them, hiding away and protecting myself as I could not back then. I have the knowledge that I am an adult, strong and whole, and that they are no longer capable of hurting me...yet still I am unable to fully let go that fear. I am tied by blood, yet I feel closer to the "family" I have chosen. But people change, and grow...sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I can no longer afford to keep toxic forces around me. I finally love myself enough to protect ME from harm. I mourn the loss of so many, not departed from life...but as dead to me as if they were buried. While I mourn, I can forgive and allow the love I feel to rest.

I realize now, this doesn't make me a quitter. It makes me a survivor. A champion. Bless you all.

Help...

When I love, I love hard. My love comes from my very soul, I give my all. It's not a choice, it simply is. It's not in my personality to do anything half-way. So if you have my love...you have my strength, my support, my faith, my loyalty and my understanding. It's not easy to win my love, but once yours, very hard to lose. This is great for the people I love...but not always great for me. Being so open to someone means that when they hurt you, the pain is terrible. It means that a betrayal slices deeper than any knife. It means that if you lose that person, it leaves a void that may never be fully refilled.

Why am I telling you this? I have loved a few men over the years; and lost them as well. Whether it was my decision to end the relationship, or theirs, doesn't change the pain of the loss. Sometimes it hurts more when you know the only choice you have is to leave; that in order to save yourself you have to lose a part of yourself. Like having a limb amputated to rid your body of gangrene. A person can be a threat to your well-being, a poison to your existence. Yet have you ever heard of amputees saying that they can still feel the severed limb? Just because a person is out of your life, doesn't mean they're out of your heart.

What I am wondering now is how many times can a person (me) go through this before there is nothing left to amputate? How many times before my heart is no longer able to love? People have told me to guard my heart, hold back, don't fall until you know they are worthy...how can you ever know that? I believe heart recognizes heart, and that's it...you can't "choose" to stop love any more than you can stop the rain from falling or the sun from shining. So what's the answer? What do I do to protect myself? The only answer I have is to be alone...to never have those conversations that open someone's heart, mind and soul to mine...to never touch someone's face or feel the sweetness of a first kiss...to never allow myself to feel the safety and comfort of someone's arms around me.

Yeah, this sounds doable...HELP!

I've been home sick for three days...so I'm going back to work today, ready or not. My body is stiff from inaction and my brain is mush from watching bad tv and reading murder mysteries. I need to be out in the world talking to someone other than the dog. What sucks is that two of those days were my regular days off-during which I accomplished none of the things I needed/should've/wanted to do. What does this mean? No groceries in the house, laundry waiting to be folded, carpet unvacuumed, errands unrun, and worst of all...NO FUN! I am craving fun like an alcoholic licking spilled tequila off a dirty carpet, like a weedhead asking a cop for a light, like a nympho....ok you get my point.

Society as a Teacher

Today I had two completely different discussions on twitter involving society and it's effect. One involved the "I don't care" attitude that so many share today; the other involved music and how it relates to religion. And they say twitter is just for entertainment value!

Both topics generated a lot of comments... which really made me think "are we a product of our society or is our society a reflection of us?". Hmmm...I think the answer is different for each individual.

What elements molded YOU? How much of who you are is due to your upbringing, and how much to what you were exposed to in society? Were your values instilled in you by your parents and the church (or whatever religious/spiritual doctrine you believe in)? Or were you molded by the general beliefs of your community? Did music, television or movies play a role? What about the media-do you blindly believe what is reported as fact, or question whether you are being told what the government and corporate America thinks you should know? Deeper than that, is your sense of self-worth based on image and material things, or the effect you have on the world? i.e. your effect on society? Are you aware of your own footprint? Do you even care?

As for me...I am most definitely a product of my upbringing, and the people and events that have populated my life. I did not have a perfect childhood, I was not raised in the most loving, nurturing environment. I did not come first in my parent's eyes. I was either abused and/or ignored for most of my later formative years. I acted out, ran away several times and eventually went to live with a friend and his parents. If not for them, I don't know what may have happened to me... but that's another story. I learned to stand on my own two feet, and to work hard and provide for myself. I learned to accept and love myself, and to believe that I deserved love and a good life.I learned how to love, and be a loyal friend. Those that care for me and help me, I love with a depth that is indescribable. I learned these things both despite and because of the actions of my family; so I have no choice but to forgive and thank them for helping me become the strong woman I am today.

I read to learn and as an escape from my reality. Some books gave me a view of a world that did not yet exist for me, they were a window into what could be. Some showed me that I was not alone, there were others with similar experiences. I wrote to express feelings and thoughts that if kept internalized would have destroyed me. I listened to music that soothed, inspired, and brought me joy. Many types of music, each caused different emotions; so many of my memories can be brought to mind simply by hearing a song. So yes, books and music helped make me who I am; you could even say they helped me make it through the storm. So how is it possible that I am not Godly if I listen to secular music? Not Godly if I read fiction as well as the Holy Bible?

Do you believe that listening to a certain type of music, watching certain television shows or movies, or reading certain books bring you away from God? Do you believe that being exposed to these things will cause you to behave a certain way? I don't, I believe that we all make choices in life. Just because I watch a movie where people do bad things, doesn't make me want to go out and do bad things. I know the difference between right and wrong, have known it since I was a small child.

So what is the answer? Do children today know the difference between right and wrong? Have we stopped teaching them that you should treat people with respect and kindness, and that there are consequences to their actions? Do we expect the school system to teach them this? Has "society" as a whole lost all accountability for our own actions, therefore rendering us incapable of instilling it in our youth? Are parents the only people responsible for this, or is it the community and the government? Do we allow television or music to "teach" our youth their values? Is the "I don't care" lazy attitude so prevalent that all hope is lost?

I don't think so. I see many people who live according to a basic set of principles and beliefs... love, honor, kindness, accountability, hard work and education. Not all of these people are religious or live in what society deems a conventional manner. Yet they are good people, people I admire and are proud to call friends.

What do YOU think?

Promise

I would love to be able to say that my blog will be full of meaningful, profound, life changing prose. However, that would be misleading! Some days maybe it will be, others it may be pure fuckery or just a venue for me to vent. All I can promise is it will be a true representation of Vicki...nothing more, nothing less. I promise to be as honest as humanly possible. I am asking in return that anyone who honors me by reading return the favor...please comment-let me know what you think or feel, if I touch you in a positive or negative way, or just to say "hi, I was here".