I am the type of person who hates to quit. Anything. Jobs, goals, people, you name it...if I've committed myself to it, I want, and need, to see it to the end. I have always believed that I can make anything work if I try hard enough. My "where there's a will there's a way" type attitude.
This year I've had to cut a few people loose. In some cases it really hurt, in others it was a relief. I have come to the realization that caring for someone does not mean you must share your life with them. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, and even family. Sometimes you can love someone who causes you a lot of pain and stress. Love, once given, doesn't disappear easily...no matter how badly you want it to. At least not for me. I feel as though I have made so many concessions for those I love over my lifetime, always believing and hoping the person can/will return the favor. To say I love you is to say I believe in you intrinsically. It means I have faith in you...as a person, and as a friend. It means I care enough to help you achieve your dreams, to reach your true potential, to help you become the person I see within. Letting go means I have somehow failed; that I was mistaken in my faith. This is a huge conflict for me, as the only thing that's gotten me through the many trials I've endured is my faith. My faith in God, and the knowledge that he loves me is the only thing in life I am 100% sure of. Consequently, when I share my love, I share that faith. I share the strength and compassion that he has blessed me with; it is my commitment to Him. Nothing, and noone, can ever make me "quit" God. So when I have to make the choice to end a relationship, my heart aches for the failure as well as the loss. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my purpose by giving up on another of his children, as if I am saying this person is not worthy.
I have been hurt, used, and abused by many of the people I loved. Beginning with my family, those who were supposed to love, cherish, and protect me...yet who hurt me most. As a child I was confused by this, as a teenager I began to rebel and fight against it, as an adult I have struggled with the knowledge and pain that the people who gave me life did not sustain me, instead abused me. Even as I still have love in my heart, I remain distant from them, hiding away and protecting myself as I could not back then. I have the knowledge that I am an adult, strong and whole, and that they are no longer capable of hurting me...yet still I am unable to fully let go that fear. I am tied by blood, yet I feel closer to the "family" I have chosen. But people change, and grow...sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I can no longer afford to keep toxic forces around me. I finally love myself enough to protect ME from harm. I mourn the loss of so many, not departed from life...but as dead to me as if they were buried. While I mourn, I can forgive and allow the love I feel to rest.
I realize now, this doesn't make me a quitter. It makes me a survivor. A champion. Bless you all.
I am blessed to have read this in the sense that we all grapple with a sense of profound loss and disillusionment when the people we depend on most to show us the way. I grew up in foster care where I also learned how to shield myself from people who were capable of hurting me not because they always wanted to, but because in many ways it had become something that I expected and in doing so, I created distance and space from some really great people who could've showed me a different way of seeing the world if only for a moment. You and I share a lot in common that we have often used our feelings of pain and abandonment from others as a means of empowerment, but that also comes with a price because the people in our lives reinforce the fact that WE matter despite the good and the bad they make us feel alive. In the years I have known you, one of the things which always intrigued me is that I knew so little about you and your life, this helps me understand why. I am happy that you are growing in your ability to love unconditionally and see people for who they are, flawed, incomplete, vulnerable, and lost human beings. You have always been a queen, a survivor, and a champion. No relationship will ever change that. Continue to make your story one of ultimate triumphs by confronting your past and present and letting go. I am with you always. Be Well. L.
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