Ever feel like you have so much inside just screaming to get out, but when you sit down to write....NOTHING. Too many thoughts and can't compartmentalize well enough to focus on just one. The past few days I have been reflecting on my past; as well as where, what, and who I come from. Wondering if I'm wrong for not trying to reconcile with my family...part of me feels that I "should" be in contact with them, that I should forgive and forget. The rest of me says hell naw! I know what I suffered at their hands, the support that I never had, the sense of loss I feel when others talk about their parents and their childhood. So, why do I feel as though I didn't try hard enough? Or that it's up to me to me to make things right? What is it about family that can make you feel so conflicted? So often I don't think about them, until something or someone triggers a memory. It's so much easier to ignore their existence, than to acknowledge the fact that I simply don't want to deal with them. I somehow feel it makes me a bad person...even though rationally I know I have every right to feel as I do. I guess this goes back to that "not giving up" issue I have! I mean, I'm a grown woman...and I've gotten where I am entirely without them. I am me despite, and yet because of them. Am I as strong and self-sufficient as I am as a result of my upbringing, or was I born this way? In which case I thank God for these gifts that helped me survive and overcome my past.
Ok, I'm going to stop what probably seems like nonsensical rambling now...if you read this-thanks. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. Love
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