Recently I've had a few conversations about "niceness" being perceived as a weakness. I personally have felt this way in the past...that people felt it was ok to take advantage of me because I'm so nice, and rarely say no to a request for help. In the past, I have bent over backwards for friends and loved ones, feeling that if they needed me, then I needed to help. Some of those same people disappeared when I was the one in need. I have had to learn how to say no, and to only give what I can afford to lose...be it money, time, or mental and emotional support. What's funny is once I started saying no, they were shocked by it. How dare I, apparently. On the other hand, I know I have been guilty of the same misguided notion that nice equals weak or soft. I have turned down dates because I thought "this guy is too nice, I need a strong man". Yet I have complained when the "strong" men I've chosen turned out to be insensitive and selfish.
Sometimes the motive behind being nice is misjudged. People believe that if they do something for you...help you out or do you a favor...that you now owe them something in return. That's not being nice or kind, that's an exchange of services. A friend of mine recently came to the realization that certain people expect him to "pay back" a favor they've done for him...even when he did not ask for their help, it was freely offered. He is similar to me in that he rarely says no, always helping others out if he is able. The difference is that we never say, "well I did that for you, so now I need this". He feels that he is perceived as weak by these people simply because he has always been willing to help.
I try to be nice in my daily life, expecting nothing, while believing that what I put out into the world will come back to me in some way. It costs me nothing to share a smile or a kind word, to offer a shoulder or an ear, to hold out a hand or offer my support and love. I believe the rewards are endless, beginning with the feeling I get knowing that I have made even a small difference in another's life. I know how many times a few words from a friend have made the difference between hope and despair for me....just the knowledge that someone cares.
What I have stopped doing is giving of myself emotionally to the point that there is nothing left for me, and of my financial resources to the point where it causes me distress. Never again will I lend money to someone with the complete capacity to earn it, and watch them later spend money on material things, knowing they have not paid their debt to me. Yet I will never stop giving aid to those truly in need, be it my time, my heart, my shared experiences, or my money. Too many do not understand the word "give", Webster defines it "to make a gift". A gift, how simple! Not a loan, not an exchange, not a contract, not a debt.
Guess I'm still a "nice" person after all :) Hey, if that makes you see me as weak, ok. Your weak is my strong. Love.
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