Closed doors.

I'm definitely all up in my feelings at the moment. Funny how one thing can bring back bad memories and bad feelings. We always want closure on past relationships, but how often does that ever actually happen? Sometimes just closing the door behind you, and walking down a different hallway, seems like the only way to cope. But, what happens when your journey somehow brings you back to that same door, only to find that you didn't close it as firmly as you thought? Or, that whatever you left behind that door, has stood up and followed right behind you, always staying a few feet behind, hiding around back corners, just waiting for a moment (opportunity?) to jump out suddenly and yell, "HEY! Oh, didn't you know I'm still here? I've never left you." But I'm rambling.

Why IS it so hard to leave the past behind us? I'll be honest, a lot of my past was truly horrible, and I've worked very hard to move forward and look only towards the future. Or, at the simplest, just to be thankful for my present, and hope for more. There are definite situations where I never had 'closure'; never found out the why, never received an apology, an explanation, a thank you, or a an honest goodbye. And, if I'm still being truthful (why bother even typing this if I'm not), times when I've not given any of those either. When I really think about it... the things I'm at peace with, I'm there because of ME, not due to anything the other person said or did. I'm at peace because I made the decision to let go, to not be held hostage one more moment by ghosts of past hurts, and to forgive. I'm at peace because I looked inside, and learned to understand myself, my feelings, and my reactions. I learned that although I can't prevent or control other people's actions, I can very much handle MY actions, and reactions. I can recognize my triggers, and how I respond to them; and stop myself from hitting back. I can stop hurting myself further by acknowledging that when people do things to hurt you, it has more to do with their pain than your own. I can forgive them, and move on. I can forgive myself, for allowing it to happen, and by owning my part. Ghandi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." It's very true, it takes more strength to be a victor than a victim. But you must choose that, you must consciously choose to stand strong. Holding on to anger and hurt only affects you; the other person has most likely forgotten or moved on. Hating them is toxic, poisonous for you only, eating away at your heart and soul, and leaving less room for love and joy. Martin Luther King, Jr said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." If you sit with your anger and hate in a darkened room, refusing to see the light or let in love, you will remain miserable and alone. While others are out living in the sunshine, I may add.

Yes, there are still a few ghosts living in my closet, and a few monsters hiding under my bed... and sometimes they peek out at me. I'm guilty of shutting the door, closing the dust ruffle, and tucking my feet up sometimes. Other times I peek right back, stare them right in the eye, and say GTFOH! Someday I hope to have bid them all goodbye. For now, I think I will go sit outside. Love.