Strong

All my life people have been telling me how strong I am. Friends, lovers, ex-lovers, relatives, etc. usually it is around the time said person is breaking my heart, hurting me, betraying me, cheating on me, not being there for me or supporting me, or any other type of thing that precludes me having a reason to 'be strong'.

Yes, I am a strong woman. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I can, have and will survive whatever life throws at me. Does this mean I can never let go and be weak? That I can never lean on someone else for a bit? Do I really have to always suck it up and keep it moving? And please tell me WHY this seems to be an excuse for people to hurt me? "Vicki, you're a strong woman, you can handle it." Those words are like a death sentence...and I am so very tired of hearing them. No, I do not want to be a weak, spineless mess who can't take care of herself. But is there no middle ground? Where is the man who can be my strength when I am failing, who will always be there no matter what, to celebrate the ups and share the downs of life? Dear God, I take so much of my strength from you, and without you I know I am nothing. I know that you have someone special for me...can you please send him to me soon, as I don't know how much longer this woman can be this strong alone on this earth. Love.

See you...

I believe people come into your life for a reason. You can't always determine that reason at the first meeting. Sometimes it is crystal clear...sometimes it may take weeks, months, or even years. Other times you may not understand until the person is gone from your life. Yet still others it's a case of right person, wrong time...which seems to be the story of my life.

In the words of the amazing Ms. Erykah Badu...I guess I'll see you next lifetime...

Dating in the A

Is it just me....or is dating in Atlanta a little more difficult and frustrating than elsewhere? I don't know if it's the ratio of available, straight men to women, or if it's the "Hollywood" mentality, or simply just that Atlanta is a single person's city...all I know is it's damn hard!

The men here just seem to feel that it's okay to behave badly, because we don't have a lot of options. It seems they think it's acceptable to miss dates or phone calls, or disappear for days at a time, and then just say "I was busy" with no apology required. And we should be grateful they've called us at all! Please understand that I am not man-bashing...I definitely don't believe all men are dogs, etc etc. I realize that many women have enabled this type of behavior, by accepting bullshit on the premise that they must in order to keep a man in this market. Believing that if a man is relatively attractive and employed, they should be thankful to have him, and consequently shut the hell up. Ummmmm....NO. Guess what? I myself am relatively attractive and employed....among other more important qualities that should make a man feel lucky to have me in their life. I don't feel that I ask a lot, just basic courtesy and respect...keep your word, do what you say you will do (when you say you will do it), keep the lines of communication open and consistent, spend quality time, and above all- mutual respect. Am I asking too much? And is expressing my feelings and trying to discuss an issue really so very wrong? Sigh...I'm confused. What do YOU think? Feedback would be much appreciated!

Happy?

I feel happy.

I do. For no real reason that I can pinpoint. Just life. Why do I feel like there should be a reason? That in order to be really happy (not just content), something specific has to happen to make it so? Am I really so used to NOT being happy, that it's inconceivable to me?

Yet I am. Sure, ok, I can think of a few reasons why...but nothing major. I've been getting out more, spending time with friends, making new friends, dating, I'm recovering from this injury and my body is getting stronger. I watched a dear friend marry the love of his life, and celebrated the event with people I love and consider family. But, I've also been working hard, long days, I'm not where I'd like to be in my career, I'm in pain quite often and this physical therapy is really hard. I've been hurt recently by a close friend who really took advantage of my kindness, and had to let that person go from my life. I could continue with a list of complaints...but at the end of the day, why bother? I guess I've just reached a point where I'm willing to accept life as it comes. I'm willing to let go of the bad moments, and hold on to the great ones. I'm willing to take each small victory as a step toward the big win. I'm willing to accept people as they are...and either celebrate what they bring to my life, or banish the ones who bring me nothing but pain or drama. I accept ME, as I am, for who I am, and for who I'm still becoming.

Maybe that's the real key to happiness...the ability and the willingness to let go and ALLOW yourself to be happy...to allow yourself to just BE. There is power inside you to achieve anything, if you only let yourself do it. Love.

Ramblings...

Ever feel like you have so much inside just screaming to get out, but when you sit down to write....NOTHING. Too many thoughts and can't compartmentalize well enough to focus on just one. The past few days I have been reflecting on my past; as well as where, what, and who I come from. Wondering if I'm wrong for not trying to reconcile with my family...part of me feels that I "should" be in contact with them, that I should forgive and forget. The rest of me says hell naw! I know what I suffered at their hands, the support that I never had, the sense of loss I feel when others talk about their parents and their childhood. So, why do I feel as though I didn't try hard enough? Or that it's up to me to me to make things right? What is it about family that can make you feel so conflicted? So often I don't think about them, until something or someone triggers a memory. It's so much easier to ignore their existence, than to acknowledge the fact that I simply don't want to deal with them. I somehow feel it makes me a bad person...even though rationally I know I have every right to feel as I do. I guess this goes back to that "not giving up" issue I have! I mean, I'm a grown woman...and I've gotten where I am entirely without them. I am me despite, and yet because of them. Am I as strong and self-sufficient as I am as a result of my upbringing, or was I born this way? In which case I thank God for these gifts that helped me survive and overcome my past.
Ok, I'm going to stop what probably seems like nonsensical rambling now...if you read this-thanks. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. Love

Control

Recently I became aware of a situation where someone was deliberately trying to sabotage me. No, I'm not paranoid...the third party confronted me with the issue and it became clear to both of us what happened. The person tried to manipulate both of us, not realizing that we would talk it through rationally and see the truth. Her goal was obviously to turn us against one another. What's funny is that what she was accusing me of doing, is what she herself was doing. She had been "venting" and "confiding" her thoughts and feelings about this other person to me; and while I did not begin or contribute to these conversations, I realize now that by listening, I too was at fault. I should have immediately responded with "you should tell her you feel that way" or "why don't we just ask her right now?" or simply just changed the subject. I left myself open to her malicious intent, by participating in any conversation at all. Needless to say, it will not happen again. I thought about why someone would do this, and the only answer is insecurity and self doubt. The classic syndrome of trying to make someone else look bad in an attempt to make yourself look better. Sad. This confirmed that this person feels threatened by me...which tells me that I am on the right track! If the only thing she could do to try to make me look bad was lie, then obviously I am doing everything else right...more importantly, better than she is! I win without even entering the race.

When I first heard about this, I was upset and angry. After thinking and praying about it, I decided to forgive and forget. No confrontation, no angry words, no retaliation, not even a discussion to let her know she's been exposed. Why? Because it's simply not necessary. It will soon become very clear to her that I will not participate in any more of her foolishness. I realize that while I can not control her actions, I can control my own. I choose my actions, as well as my reactions. So, I choose not to let her affect me, except as motivation to continue improving myself.

Once again...I will triumph. I will survive. I will be ME. Love.

Nice or Weak?

Recently I've had a few conversations about "niceness" being perceived as a weakness. I personally have felt this way in the past...that people felt it was ok to take advantage of me because I'm so nice, and rarely say no to a request for help. In the past, I have bent over backwards for friends and loved ones, feeling that if they needed me, then I needed to help. Some of those same people disappeared when I was the one in need. I have had to learn how to say no, and to only give what I can afford to lose...be it money, time, or mental and emotional support. What's funny is once I started saying no, they were shocked by it. How dare I, apparently. On the other hand, I know I have been guilty of the same misguided notion that nice equals weak or soft. I have turned down dates because I thought "this guy is too nice, I need a strong man". Yet I have complained when the "strong" men I've chosen turned out to be insensitive and selfish.

Sometimes the motive behind being nice is misjudged. People believe that if they do something for you...help you out or do you a favor...that you now owe them something in return. That's not being nice or kind, that's an exchange of services. A friend of mine recently came to the realization that certain people expect him to "pay back" a favor they've done for him...even when he did not ask for their help, it was freely offered. He is similar to me in that he rarely says no, always helping others out if he is able. The difference is that we never say, "well I did that for you, so now I need this". He feels that he is perceived as weak by these people simply because he has always been willing to help.

I try to be nice in my daily life, expecting nothing, while believing that what I put out into the world will come back to me in some way. It costs me nothing to share a smile or a kind word, to offer a shoulder or an ear, to hold out a hand or offer my support and love. I believe the rewards are endless, beginning with the feeling I get knowing that I have made even a small difference in another's life. I know how many times a few words from a friend have made the difference between hope and despair for me....just the knowledge that someone cares.

What I have stopped doing is giving of myself emotionally to the point that there is nothing left for me, and of my financial resources to the point where it causes me distress. Never again will I lend money to someone with the complete capacity to earn it, and watch them later spend money on material things, knowing they have not paid their debt to me. Yet I will never stop giving aid to those truly in need, be it my time, my heart, my shared experiences, or my money. Too many do not understand the word "give", Webster defines it "to make a gift". A gift, how simple! Not a loan, not an exchange, not a contract, not a debt.

Guess I'm still a "nice" person after all :) Hey, if that makes you see me as weak, ok. Your weak is my strong. Love.

Does letting go make you a quitter?

I am the type of person who hates to quit. Anything. Jobs, goals, people, you name it...if I've committed myself to it, I want, and need, to see it to the end. I have always believed that I can make anything work if I try hard enough. My "where there's a will there's a way" type attitude.

This year I've had to cut a few people loose. In some cases it really hurt, in others it was a relief. I have come to the realization that caring for someone does not mean you must share your life with them. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, and even family. Sometimes you can love someone who causes you a lot of pain and stress. Love, once given, doesn't disappear easily...no matter how badly you want it to. At least not for me. I feel as though I have made so many concessions for those I love over my lifetime, always believing and hoping the person can/will return the favor. To say I love you is to say I believe in you intrinsically. It means I have faith in you...as a person, and as a friend. It means I care enough to help you achieve your dreams, to reach your true potential, to help you become the person I see within. Letting go means I have somehow failed; that I was mistaken in my faith. This is a huge conflict for me, as the only thing that's gotten me through the many trials I've endured is my faith. My faith in God, and the knowledge that he loves me is the only thing in life I am 100% sure of. Consequently, when I share my love, I share that faith. I share the strength and compassion that he has blessed me with; it is my commitment to Him. Nothing, and noone, can ever make me "quit" God. So when I have to make the choice to end a relationship, my heart aches for the failure as well as the loss. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my purpose by giving up on another of his children, as if I am saying this person is not worthy.

I have been hurt, used, and abused by many of the people I loved. Beginning with my family, those who were supposed to love, cherish, and protect me...yet who hurt me most. As a child I was confused by this, as a teenager I began to rebel and fight against it, as an adult I have struggled with the knowledge and pain that the people who gave me life did not sustain me, instead abused me. Even as I still have love in my heart, I remain distant from them, hiding away and protecting myself as I could not back then. I have the knowledge that I am an adult, strong and whole, and that they are no longer capable of hurting me...yet still I am unable to fully let go that fear. I am tied by blood, yet I feel closer to the "family" I have chosen. But people change, and grow...sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I can no longer afford to keep toxic forces around me. I finally love myself enough to protect ME from harm. I mourn the loss of so many, not departed from life...but as dead to me as if they were buried. While I mourn, I can forgive and allow the love I feel to rest.

I realize now, this doesn't make me a quitter. It makes me a survivor. A champion. Bless you all.

Help...

When I love, I love hard. My love comes from my very soul, I give my all. It's not a choice, it simply is. It's not in my personality to do anything half-way. So if you have my love...you have my strength, my support, my faith, my loyalty and my understanding. It's not easy to win my love, but once yours, very hard to lose. This is great for the people I love...but not always great for me. Being so open to someone means that when they hurt you, the pain is terrible. It means that a betrayal slices deeper than any knife. It means that if you lose that person, it leaves a void that may never be fully refilled.

Why am I telling you this? I have loved a few men over the years; and lost them as well. Whether it was my decision to end the relationship, or theirs, doesn't change the pain of the loss. Sometimes it hurts more when you know the only choice you have is to leave; that in order to save yourself you have to lose a part of yourself. Like having a limb amputated to rid your body of gangrene. A person can be a threat to your well-being, a poison to your existence. Yet have you ever heard of amputees saying that they can still feel the severed limb? Just because a person is out of your life, doesn't mean they're out of your heart.

What I am wondering now is how many times can a person (me) go through this before there is nothing left to amputate? How many times before my heart is no longer able to love? People have told me to guard my heart, hold back, don't fall until you know they are worthy...how can you ever know that? I believe heart recognizes heart, and that's it...you can't "choose" to stop love any more than you can stop the rain from falling or the sun from shining. So what's the answer? What do I do to protect myself? The only answer I have is to be alone...to never have those conversations that open someone's heart, mind and soul to mine...to never touch someone's face or feel the sweetness of a first kiss...to never allow myself to feel the safety and comfort of someone's arms around me.

Yeah, this sounds doable...HELP!

I've been home sick for three days...so I'm going back to work today, ready or not. My body is stiff from inaction and my brain is mush from watching bad tv and reading murder mysteries. I need to be out in the world talking to someone other than the dog. What sucks is that two of those days were my regular days off-during which I accomplished none of the things I needed/should've/wanted to do. What does this mean? No groceries in the house, laundry waiting to be folded, carpet unvacuumed, errands unrun, and worst of all...NO FUN! I am craving fun like an alcoholic licking spilled tequila off a dirty carpet, like a weedhead asking a cop for a light, like a nympho....ok you get my point.

Society as a Teacher

Today I had two completely different discussions on twitter involving society and it's effect. One involved the "I don't care" attitude that so many share today; the other involved music and how it relates to religion. And they say twitter is just for entertainment value!

Both topics generated a lot of comments... which really made me think "are we a product of our society or is our society a reflection of us?". Hmmm...I think the answer is different for each individual.

What elements molded YOU? How much of who you are is due to your upbringing, and how much to what you were exposed to in society? Were your values instilled in you by your parents and the church (or whatever religious/spiritual doctrine you believe in)? Or were you molded by the general beliefs of your community? Did music, television or movies play a role? What about the media-do you blindly believe what is reported as fact, or question whether you are being told what the government and corporate America thinks you should know? Deeper than that, is your sense of self-worth based on image and material things, or the effect you have on the world? i.e. your effect on society? Are you aware of your own footprint? Do you even care?

As for me...I am most definitely a product of my upbringing, and the people and events that have populated my life. I did not have a perfect childhood, I was not raised in the most loving, nurturing environment. I did not come first in my parent's eyes. I was either abused and/or ignored for most of my later formative years. I acted out, ran away several times and eventually went to live with a friend and his parents. If not for them, I don't know what may have happened to me... but that's another story. I learned to stand on my own two feet, and to work hard and provide for myself. I learned to accept and love myself, and to believe that I deserved love and a good life.I learned how to love, and be a loyal friend. Those that care for me and help me, I love with a depth that is indescribable. I learned these things both despite and because of the actions of my family; so I have no choice but to forgive and thank them for helping me become the strong woman I am today.

I read to learn and as an escape from my reality. Some books gave me a view of a world that did not yet exist for me, they were a window into what could be. Some showed me that I was not alone, there were others with similar experiences. I wrote to express feelings and thoughts that if kept internalized would have destroyed me. I listened to music that soothed, inspired, and brought me joy. Many types of music, each caused different emotions; so many of my memories can be brought to mind simply by hearing a song. So yes, books and music helped make me who I am; you could even say they helped me make it through the storm. So how is it possible that I am not Godly if I listen to secular music? Not Godly if I read fiction as well as the Holy Bible?

Do you believe that listening to a certain type of music, watching certain television shows or movies, or reading certain books bring you away from God? Do you believe that being exposed to these things will cause you to behave a certain way? I don't, I believe that we all make choices in life. Just because I watch a movie where people do bad things, doesn't make me want to go out and do bad things. I know the difference between right and wrong, have known it since I was a small child.

So what is the answer? Do children today know the difference between right and wrong? Have we stopped teaching them that you should treat people with respect and kindness, and that there are consequences to their actions? Do we expect the school system to teach them this? Has "society" as a whole lost all accountability for our own actions, therefore rendering us incapable of instilling it in our youth? Are parents the only people responsible for this, or is it the community and the government? Do we allow television or music to "teach" our youth their values? Is the "I don't care" lazy attitude so prevalent that all hope is lost?

I don't think so. I see many people who live according to a basic set of principles and beliefs... love, honor, kindness, accountability, hard work and education. Not all of these people are religious or live in what society deems a conventional manner. Yet they are good people, people I admire and are proud to call friends.

What do YOU think?

Promise

I would love to be able to say that my blog will be full of meaningful, profound, life changing prose. However, that would be misleading! Some days maybe it will be, others it may be pure fuckery or just a venue for me to vent. All I can promise is it will be a true representation of Vicki...nothing more, nothing less. I promise to be as honest as humanly possible. I am asking in return that anyone who honors me by reading return the favor...please comment-let me know what you think or feel, if I touch you in a positive or negative way, or just to say "hi, I was here".