Ramblings...

Ever feel like you have so much inside just screaming to get out, but when you sit down to write....NOTHING. Too many thoughts and can't compartmentalize well enough to focus on just one. The past few days I have been reflecting on my past; as well as where, what, and who I come from. Wondering if I'm wrong for not trying to reconcile with my family...part of me feels that I "should" be in contact with them, that I should forgive and forget. The rest of me says hell naw! I know what I suffered at their hands, the support that I never had, the sense of loss I feel when others talk about their parents and their childhood. So, why do I feel as though I didn't try hard enough? Or that it's up to me to me to make things right? What is it about family that can make you feel so conflicted? So often I don't think about them, until something or someone triggers a memory. It's so much easier to ignore their existence, than to acknowledge the fact that I simply don't want to deal with them. I somehow feel it makes me a bad person...even though rationally I know I have every right to feel as I do. I guess this goes back to that "not giving up" issue I have! I mean, I'm a grown woman...and I've gotten where I am entirely without them. I am me despite, and yet because of them. Am I as strong and self-sufficient as I am as a result of my upbringing, or was I born this way? In which case I thank God for these gifts that helped me survive and overcome my past.
Ok, I'm going to stop what probably seems like nonsensical rambling now...if you read this-thanks. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. Love

Control

Recently I became aware of a situation where someone was deliberately trying to sabotage me. No, I'm not paranoid...the third party confronted me with the issue and it became clear to both of us what happened. The person tried to manipulate both of us, not realizing that we would talk it through rationally and see the truth. Her goal was obviously to turn us against one another. What's funny is that what she was accusing me of doing, is what she herself was doing. She had been "venting" and "confiding" her thoughts and feelings about this other person to me; and while I did not begin or contribute to these conversations, I realize now that by listening, I too was at fault. I should have immediately responded with "you should tell her you feel that way" or "why don't we just ask her right now?" or simply just changed the subject. I left myself open to her malicious intent, by participating in any conversation at all. Needless to say, it will not happen again. I thought about why someone would do this, and the only answer is insecurity and self doubt. The classic syndrome of trying to make someone else look bad in an attempt to make yourself look better. Sad. This confirmed that this person feels threatened by me...which tells me that I am on the right track! If the only thing she could do to try to make me look bad was lie, then obviously I am doing everything else right...more importantly, better than she is! I win without even entering the race.

When I first heard about this, I was upset and angry. After thinking and praying about it, I decided to forgive and forget. No confrontation, no angry words, no retaliation, not even a discussion to let her know she's been exposed. Why? Because it's simply not necessary. It will soon become very clear to her that I will not participate in any more of her foolishness. I realize that while I can not control her actions, I can control my own. I choose my actions, as well as my reactions. So, I choose not to let her affect me, except as motivation to continue improving myself.

Once again...I will triumph. I will survive. I will be ME. Love.

Nice or Weak?

Recently I've had a few conversations about "niceness" being perceived as a weakness. I personally have felt this way in the past...that people felt it was ok to take advantage of me because I'm so nice, and rarely say no to a request for help. In the past, I have bent over backwards for friends and loved ones, feeling that if they needed me, then I needed to help. Some of those same people disappeared when I was the one in need. I have had to learn how to say no, and to only give what I can afford to lose...be it money, time, or mental and emotional support. What's funny is once I started saying no, they were shocked by it. How dare I, apparently. On the other hand, I know I have been guilty of the same misguided notion that nice equals weak or soft. I have turned down dates because I thought "this guy is too nice, I need a strong man". Yet I have complained when the "strong" men I've chosen turned out to be insensitive and selfish.

Sometimes the motive behind being nice is misjudged. People believe that if they do something for you...help you out or do you a favor...that you now owe them something in return. That's not being nice or kind, that's an exchange of services. A friend of mine recently came to the realization that certain people expect him to "pay back" a favor they've done for him...even when he did not ask for their help, it was freely offered. He is similar to me in that he rarely says no, always helping others out if he is able. The difference is that we never say, "well I did that for you, so now I need this". He feels that he is perceived as weak by these people simply because he has always been willing to help.

I try to be nice in my daily life, expecting nothing, while believing that what I put out into the world will come back to me in some way. It costs me nothing to share a smile or a kind word, to offer a shoulder or an ear, to hold out a hand or offer my support and love. I believe the rewards are endless, beginning with the feeling I get knowing that I have made even a small difference in another's life. I know how many times a few words from a friend have made the difference between hope and despair for me....just the knowledge that someone cares.

What I have stopped doing is giving of myself emotionally to the point that there is nothing left for me, and of my financial resources to the point where it causes me distress. Never again will I lend money to someone with the complete capacity to earn it, and watch them later spend money on material things, knowing they have not paid their debt to me. Yet I will never stop giving aid to those truly in need, be it my time, my heart, my shared experiences, or my money. Too many do not understand the word "give", Webster defines it "to make a gift". A gift, how simple! Not a loan, not an exchange, not a contract, not a debt.

Guess I'm still a "nice" person after all :) Hey, if that makes you see me as weak, ok. Your weak is my strong. Love.