Pain

People hurt each other. Every day. What's worse, is that some do it purposely; it makes them feel more powerful, more in control of their own lives. It makes them feel better to see another's pain; that 'misery loves company' bullshit. Others do it because they don't care, or don't think, about the effects their actions have on others. And sometimes, they are just so very busy hurting themselves, that they lash out against anyone who gets too close, without even realizing it.

I make a conscious effort not to hurt anyone; I've been on the receiving end way too many times. That being said, I am far from perfect. There are times when it's unavoidable, and the best you can do is be honest. I'd rather be hurt right now by the truth, than be devastated later due to lies and betrayal. The truth can hurt, but it's far kinder in the long run than deception. Armed with the truth, you can adapt, make changes, or simply accept things as they are. You're not left to wander about with assumptions or misconceptions. And, you can own your own part in the situation...the truth leaves no room for denial...IF you really hear it that is.  

I've been hurt more times than I can describe here; in more ways than I knew were possible. Yet somehow, I go on trying to build relationships, both romantic and friendly. I continue trying to trust people. I give my trust, and my affection, too easily...or so I've been told. Simply put, I keep hoping. Hoping for that one person who will deserve all that I have to offer. Maybe I'm just foolish, stupid even. A friend compared it to the snake scenario: where every time you stick your hand out, you get bitten by a snake...so eventually you stop sticking your hand out. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. Me, I just keep sticking my stupid hand out...I try to pet the damn snake. I'm sure there is some deeper message for me to discover here, like the snake in the garden of Eden or something...but it escapes me. Temptation? Sounds better than stupid. Better than acknowledging that I'm constantly reaching and yearning for something that......shit, just may be unattainable. 

So, if I allow that to happen, then I must own up to my part in the affair...I have to accept that putting myself out there can have painful consequences. In any given situation, no matter how horrible the crime the other person commits against you...there is still a point where you have to acknowledge your part. Even if it was just allowing it to happen, or ignoring the signs, or leaving things unsaid and leaving room for misunderstandings. Or just for not standing up for yourself! Owning your part, and forgiving yourself, is an integral part of the healing process. The next step is forgiving the one who hurt you, because if you don't, you will never have peace. Forgiveness is not about them, it's about you holding your hurt and anger close to you like a child's security blanket. When you refuse to forgive, you are refusing to let go. You're closing yourself off to any future pain by holding on to the existing pain. 'See me? You can't hurt me, I won't let you, see I already have this pain right here! I win!" WTF do you win? It's all loss...you're losing any opportunities for happiness, and you're letting the one who hurt you, win. Trust me, they're not bothered, they're not thinking about you, they've moved on. They have no idea what they left behind...because they're not looking back. And if they do, it's up to them to deal with it. They have to come to terms with what they've done, and with themselves and whatever demons cause them to do hurtful things. You can't worry about them, you can only heal yourself. Forgive them, and forget them, as they have most likely forgotten you. 

Ugh...I'm definitely preaching to the choir. And by choir, I mean myself. Have I ever mentioned I'm a terrible singer? It's so very easy to tell others what to do, how to heal, blah blah blah. Not as easy to take your own advice. I write more for myself than for the few of you who actually read my ramblings...it's my way of working things out sometimes. I struggle every day to live in the present, and look towards the future, leaving the past behind. Maybe I don't always succeed...but I am trying. 

The fucked-up compliment

Today's VSA: When giving a compliment, do just that. Give a COMPLIMENT. Do not add a justification or reason why. That pretty much negates the compliment, leaving the receiver feeling kind of like shit.

Here are a few examples:

*you look great, for your age.

*you're pretty, for a (insert race here) girl.

*you can't possibly be (insert age or age) looking like that.

*you're a really smart (insert race) girl

*you're the sexiest (insert race) girl I've ever seen

Get my point? Just say she is attractive, smart, sexy, whatever...without adding anything else. The so-called justification implies that you believe someone of my age/race/whatever can't be whatever you're supposedly complimenting. It's a form of prejudice, to be brutally honest. One of which you may be completely unaware you are perpetuating. It means that somewhere inside, you feel the need to justify to YOURSELF that it's ok to find that person attractive/sexy/smart/etc, DESPITE their age or race. This justification is for you....she doesn't need to hear it. You, however, need to look to self and recognize what compels you to do it.

Try this instead:

*You are a (insert adjective of choice, ie: pretty, sexy, beautiful, smart, funny) woman.

SO SIMPLE. And will leave her feeling great! Bonus, if you're trying to hit one her, I promise you will get better results! 

Closed doors.

I'm definitely all up in my feelings at the moment. Funny how one thing can bring back bad memories and bad feelings. We always want closure on past relationships, but how often does that ever actually happen? Sometimes just closing the door behind you, and walking down a different hallway, seems like the only way to cope. But, what happens when your journey somehow brings you back to that same door, only to find that you didn't close it as firmly as you thought? Or, that whatever you left behind that door, has stood up and followed right behind you, always staying a few feet behind, hiding around back corners, just waiting for a moment (opportunity?) to jump out suddenly and yell, "HEY! Oh, didn't you know I'm still here? I've never left you." But I'm rambling.

Why IS it so hard to leave the past behind us? I'll be honest, a lot of my past was truly horrible, and I've worked very hard to move forward and look only towards the future. Or, at the simplest, just to be thankful for my present, and hope for more. There are definite situations where I never had 'closure'; never found out the why, never received an apology, an explanation, a thank you, or a an honest goodbye. And, if I'm still being truthful (why bother even typing this if I'm not), times when I've not given any of those either. When I really think about it... the things I'm at peace with, I'm there because of ME, not due to anything the other person said or did. I'm at peace because I made the decision to let go, to not be held hostage one more moment by ghosts of past hurts, and to forgive. I'm at peace because I looked inside, and learned to understand myself, my feelings, and my reactions. I learned that although I can't prevent or control other people's actions, I can very much handle MY actions, and reactions. I can recognize my triggers, and how I respond to them; and stop myself from hitting back. I can stop hurting myself further by acknowledging that when people do things to hurt you, it has more to do with their pain than your own. I can forgive them, and move on. I can forgive myself, for allowing it to happen, and by owning my part. Ghandi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." It's very true, it takes more strength to be a victor than a victim. But you must choose that, you must consciously choose to stand strong. Holding on to anger and hurt only affects you; the other person has most likely forgotten or moved on. Hating them is toxic, poisonous for you only, eating away at your heart and soul, and leaving less room for love and joy. Martin Luther King, Jr said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." If you sit with your anger and hate in a darkened room, refusing to see the light or let in love, you will remain miserable and alone. While others are out living in the sunshine, I may add.

Yes, there are still a few ghosts living in my closet, and a few monsters hiding under my bed... and sometimes they peek out at me. I'm guilty of shutting the door, closing the dust ruffle, and tucking my feet up sometimes. Other times I peek right back, stare them right in the eye, and say GTFOH! Someday I hope to have bid them all goodbye. For now, I think I will go sit outside. Love.

It's been a long time...

It's been so long since I've posted here, I don't even know where to begin. I've been through so much this year, there's definitely been plenty to write about...but somehow it feels like complaining. My intention was never for this blog to become a pity party, more to just express myself and sometimes, to just ramble. So, I've stayed away because I had nothing 'happy' to say. I'm realizing that I need this outlet, I need to stop internalizing the pain and let it go. Who cares what people think, if it helps me? Not that I don't value your opinions...I do. But honestly, the few people who actually may read this would understand anyway.

That's all for now...I will be posting soon. Just letting my fingers get in a bit of practice. Peace.