Does letting go make you a quitter?

I am the type of person who hates to quit. Anything. Jobs, goals, people, you name it...if I've committed myself to it, I want, and need, to see it to the end. I have always believed that I can make anything work if I try hard enough. My "where there's a will there's a way" type attitude.

This year I've had to cut a few people loose. In some cases it really hurt, in others it was a relief. I have come to the realization that caring for someone does not mean you must share your life with them. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, and even family. Sometimes you can love someone who causes you a lot of pain and stress. Love, once given, doesn't disappear easily...no matter how badly you want it to. At least not for me. I feel as though I have made so many concessions for those I love over my lifetime, always believing and hoping the person can/will return the favor. To say I love you is to say I believe in you intrinsically. It means I have faith in you...as a person, and as a friend. It means I care enough to help you achieve your dreams, to reach your true potential, to help you become the person I see within. Letting go means I have somehow failed; that I was mistaken in my faith. This is a huge conflict for me, as the only thing that's gotten me through the many trials I've endured is my faith. My faith in God, and the knowledge that he loves me is the only thing in life I am 100% sure of. Consequently, when I share my love, I share that faith. I share the strength and compassion that he has blessed me with; it is my commitment to Him. Nothing, and noone, can ever make me "quit" God. So when I have to make the choice to end a relationship, my heart aches for the failure as well as the loss. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my purpose by giving up on another of his children, as if I am saying this person is not worthy.

I have been hurt, used, and abused by many of the people I loved. Beginning with my family, those who were supposed to love, cherish, and protect me...yet who hurt me most. As a child I was confused by this, as a teenager I began to rebel and fight against it, as an adult I have struggled with the knowledge and pain that the people who gave me life did not sustain me, instead abused me. Even as I still have love in my heart, I remain distant from them, hiding away and protecting myself as I could not back then. I have the knowledge that I am an adult, strong and whole, and that they are no longer capable of hurting me...yet still I am unable to fully let go that fear. I am tied by blood, yet I feel closer to the "family" I have chosen. But people change, and grow...sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I can no longer afford to keep toxic forces around me. I finally love myself enough to protect ME from harm. I mourn the loss of so many, not departed from life...but as dead to me as if they were buried. While I mourn, I can forgive and allow the love I feel to rest.

I realize now, this doesn't make me a quitter. It makes me a survivor. A champion. Bless you all.

Help...

When I love, I love hard. My love comes from my very soul, I give my all. It's not a choice, it simply is. It's not in my personality to do anything half-way. So if you have my love...you have my strength, my support, my faith, my loyalty and my understanding. It's not easy to win my love, but once yours, very hard to lose. This is great for the people I love...but not always great for me. Being so open to someone means that when they hurt you, the pain is terrible. It means that a betrayal slices deeper than any knife. It means that if you lose that person, it leaves a void that may never be fully refilled.

Why am I telling you this? I have loved a few men over the years; and lost them as well. Whether it was my decision to end the relationship, or theirs, doesn't change the pain of the loss. Sometimes it hurts more when you know the only choice you have is to leave; that in order to save yourself you have to lose a part of yourself. Like having a limb amputated to rid your body of gangrene. A person can be a threat to your well-being, a poison to your existence. Yet have you ever heard of amputees saying that they can still feel the severed limb? Just because a person is out of your life, doesn't mean they're out of your heart.

What I am wondering now is how many times can a person (me) go through this before there is nothing left to amputate? How many times before my heart is no longer able to love? People have told me to guard my heart, hold back, don't fall until you know they are worthy...how can you ever know that? I believe heart recognizes heart, and that's it...you can't "choose" to stop love any more than you can stop the rain from falling or the sun from shining. So what's the answer? What do I do to protect myself? The only answer I have is to be alone...to never have those conversations that open someone's heart, mind and soul to mine...to never touch someone's face or feel the sweetness of a first kiss...to never allow myself to feel the safety and comfort of someone's arms around me.

Yeah, this sounds doable...HELP!

I've been home sick for three days...so I'm going back to work today, ready or not. My body is stiff from inaction and my brain is mush from watching bad tv and reading murder mysteries. I need to be out in the world talking to someone other than the dog. What sucks is that two of those days were my regular days off-during which I accomplished none of the things I needed/should've/wanted to do. What does this mean? No groceries in the house, laundry waiting to be folded, carpet unvacuumed, errands unrun, and worst of all...NO FUN! I am craving fun like an alcoholic licking spilled tequila off a dirty carpet, like a weedhead asking a cop for a light, like a nympho....ok you get my point.

Society as a Teacher

Today I had two completely different discussions on twitter involving society and it's effect. One involved the "I don't care" attitude that so many share today; the other involved music and how it relates to religion. And they say twitter is just for entertainment value!

Both topics generated a lot of comments... which really made me think "are we a product of our society or is our society a reflection of us?". Hmmm...I think the answer is different for each individual.

What elements molded YOU? How much of who you are is due to your upbringing, and how much to what you were exposed to in society? Were your values instilled in you by your parents and the church (or whatever religious/spiritual doctrine you believe in)? Or were you molded by the general beliefs of your community? Did music, television or movies play a role? What about the media-do you blindly believe what is reported as fact, or question whether you are being told what the government and corporate America thinks you should know? Deeper than that, is your sense of self-worth based on image and material things, or the effect you have on the world? i.e. your effect on society? Are you aware of your own footprint? Do you even care?

As for me...I am most definitely a product of my upbringing, and the people and events that have populated my life. I did not have a perfect childhood, I was not raised in the most loving, nurturing environment. I did not come first in my parent's eyes. I was either abused and/or ignored for most of my later formative years. I acted out, ran away several times and eventually went to live with a friend and his parents. If not for them, I don't know what may have happened to me... but that's another story. I learned to stand on my own two feet, and to work hard and provide for myself. I learned to accept and love myself, and to believe that I deserved love and a good life.I learned how to love, and be a loyal friend. Those that care for me and help me, I love with a depth that is indescribable. I learned these things both despite and because of the actions of my family; so I have no choice but to forgive and thank them for helping me become the strong woman I am today.

I read to learn and as an escape from my reality. Some books gave me a view of a world that did not yet exist for me, they were a window into what could be. Some showed me that I was not alone, there were others with similar experiences. I wrote to express feelings and thoughts that if kept internalized would have destroyed me. I listened to music that soothed, inspired, and brought me joy. Many types of music, each caused different emotions; so many of my memories can be brought to mind simply by hearing a song. So yes, books and music helped make me who I am; you could even say they helped me make it through the storm. So how is it possible that I am not Godly if I listen to secular music? Not Godly if I read fiction as well as the Holy Bible?

Do you believe that listening to a certain type of music, watching certain television shows or movies, or reading certain books bring you away from God? Do you believe that being exposed to these things will cause you to behave a certain way? I don't, I believe that we all make choices in life. Just because I watch a movie where people do bad things, doesn't make me want to go out and do bad things. I know the difference between right and wrong, have known it since I was a small child.

So what is the answer? Do children today know the difference between right and wrong? Have we stopped teaching them that you should treat people with respect and kindness, and that there are consequences to their actions? Do we expect the school system to teach them this? Has "society" as a whole lost all accountability for our own actions, therefore rendering us incapable of instilling it in our youth? Are parents the only people responsible for this, or is it the community and the government? Do we allow television or music to "teach" our youth their values? Is the "I don't care" lazy attitude so prevalent that all hope is lost?

I don't think so. I see many people who live according to a basic set of principles and beliefs... love, honor, kindness, accountability, hard work and education. Not all of these people are religious or live in what society deems a conventional manner. Yet they are good people, people I admire and are proud to call friends.

What do YOU think?

Promise

I would love to be able to say that my blog will be full of meaningful, profound, life changing prose. However, that would be misleading! Some days maybe it will be, others it may be pure fuckery or just a venue for me to vent. All I can promise is it will be a true representation of Vicki...nothing more, nothing less. I promise to be as honest as humanly possible. I am asking in return that anyone who honors me by reading return the favor...please comment-let me know what you think or feel, if I touch you in a positive or negative way, or just to say "hi, I was here".