People hurt each other. Every day. What's worse, is that some do it purposely; it makes them feel more powerful, more in control of their own lives. It makes them feel better to see another's pain; that 'misery loves company' bullshit. Others do it because they don't care, or don't think, about the effects their actions have on others. And sometimes, they are just so very busy hurting themselves, that they lash out against anyone who gets too close, without even realizing it.
I make a conscious effort not to hurt anyone; I've been on the receiving end way too many times. That being said, I am far from perfect. There are times when it's unavoidable, and the best you can do is be honest. I'd rather be hurt right now by the truth, than be devastated later due to lies and betrayal. The truth can hurt, but it's far kinder in the long run than deception. Armed with the truth, you can adapt, make changes, or simply accept things as they are. You're not left to wander about with assumptions or misconceptions. And, you can own your own part in the situation...the truth leaves no room for denial...IF you really hear it that is.
I've been hurt more times than I can describe here; in more ways than I knew were possible. Yet somehow, I go on trying to build relationships, both romantic and friendly. I continue trying to trust people. I give my trust, and my affection, too easily...or so I've been told. Simply put, I keep hoping. Hoping for that one person who will deserve all that I have to offer. Maybe I'm just foolish, stupid even. A friend compared it to the snake scenario: where every time you stick your hand out, you get bitten by a snake...so eventually you stop sticking your hand out. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. Me, I just keep sticking my stupid hand out...I try to pet the damn snake. I'm sure there is some deeper message for me to discover here, like the snake in the garden of Eden or something...but it escapes me. Temptation? Sounds better than stupid. Better than acknowledging that I'm constantly reaching and yearning for something that......shit, just may be unattainable.
So, if I allow that to happen, then I must own up to my part in the affair...I have to accept that putting myself out there can have painful consequences. In any given situation, no matter how horrible the crime the other person commits against you...there is still a point where you have to acknowledge your part. Even if it was just allowing it to happen, or ignoring the signs, or leaving things unsaid and leaving room for misunderstandings. Or just for not standing up for yourself! Owning your part, and forgiving yourself, is an integral part of the healing process. The next step is forgiving the one who hurt you, because if you don't, you will never have peace. Forgiveness is not about them, it's about you holding your hurt and anger close to you like a child's security blanket. When you refuse to forgive, you are refusing to let go. You're closing yourself off to any future pain by holding on to the existing pain. 'See me? You can't hurt me, I won't let you, see I already have this pain right here! I win!" WTF do you win? It's all loss...you're losing any opportunities for happiness, and you're letting the one who hurt you, win. Trust me, they're not bothered, they're not thinking about you, they've moved on. They have no idea what they left behind...because they're not looking back. And if they do, it's up to them to deal with it. They have to come to terms with what they've done, and with themselves and whatever demons cause them to do hurtful things. You can't worry about them, you can only heal yourself. Forgive them, and forget them, as they have most likely forgotten you.
Ugh...I'm definitely preaching to the choir. And by choir, I mean myself. Have I ever mentioned I'm a terrible singer? It's so very easy to tell others what to do, how to heal, blah blah blah. Not as easy to take your own advice. I write more for myself than for the few of you who actually read my ramblings...it's my way of working things out sometimes. I struggle every day to live in the present, and look towards the future, leaving the past behind. Maybe I don't always succeed...but I am trying.
