When I love, I love hard. My love comes from my very soul, I give my all. It's not a choice, it simply is. It's not in my personality to do anything half-way. So if you have my love...you have my strength, my support, my faith, my loyalty and my understanding. It's not easy to win my love, but once yours, very hard to lose. This is great for the people I love...but not always great for me. Being so open to someone means that when they hurt you, the pain is terrible. It means that a betrayal slices deeper than any knife. It means that if you lose that person, it leaves a void that may never be fully refilled.
Why am I telling you this? I have loved a few men over the years; and lost them as well. Whether it was my decision to end the relationship, or theirs, doesn't change the pain of the loss. Sometimes it hurts more when you know the only choice you have is to leave; that in order to save yourself you have to lose a part of yourself. Like having a limb amputated to rid your body of gangrene. A person can be a threat to your well-being, a poison to your existence. Yet have you ever heard of amputees saying that they can still feel the severed limb? Just because a person is out of your life, doesn't mean they're out of your heart.
What I am wondering now is how many times can a person (me) go through this before there is nothing left to amputate? How many times before my heart is no longer able to love? People have told me to guard my heart, hold back, don't fall until you know they are worthy...how can you ever know that? I believe heart recognizes heart, and that's it...you can't "choose" to stop love any more than you can stop the rain from falling or the sun from shining. So what's the answer? What do I do to protect myself? The only answer I have is to be alone...to never have those conversations that open someone's heart, mind and soul to mine...to never touch someone's face or feel the sweetness of a first kiss...to never allow myself to feel the safety and comfort of someone's arms around me.
Yeah, this sounds doable...HELP!
