The fucked-up compliment

Today's VSA: When giving a compliment, do just that. Give a COMPLIMENT. Do not add a justification or reason why. That pretty much negates the compliment, leaving the receiver feeling kind of like shit.

Here are a few examples:

*you look great, for your age.

*you're pretty, for a (insert race here) girl.

*you can't possibly be (insert age or age) looking like that.

*you're a really smart (insert race) girl

*you're the sexiest (insert race) girl I've ever seen

Get my point? Just say she is attractive, smart, sexy, whatever...without adding anything else. The so-called justification implies that you believe someone of my age/race/whatever can't be whatever you're supposedly complimenting. It's a form of prejudice, to be brutally honest. One of which you may be completely unaware you are perpetuating. It means that somewhere inside, you feel the need to justify to YOURSELF that it's ok to find that person attractive/sexy/smart/etc, DESPITE their age or race. This justification is for you....she doesn't need to hear it. You, however, need to look to self and recognize what compels you to do it.

Try this instead:

*You are a (insert adjective of choice, ie: pretty, sexy, beautiful, smart, funny) woman.

SO SIMPLE. And will leave her feeling great! Bonus, if you're trying to hit one her, I promise you will get better results! 

Closed doors.

I'm definitely all up in my feelings at the moment. Funny how one thing can bring back bad memories and bad feelings. We always want closure on past relationships, but how often does that ever actually happen? Sometimes just closing the door behind you, and walking down a different hallway, seems like the only way to cope. But, what happens when your journey somehow brings you back to that same door, only to find that you didn't close it as firmly as you thought? Or, that whatever you left behind that door, has stood up and followed right behind you, always staying a few feet behind, hiding around back corners, just waiting for a moment (opportunity?) to jump out suddenly and yell, "HEY! Oh, didn't you know I'm still here? I've never left you." But I'm rambling.

Why IS it so hard to leave the past behind us? I'll be honest, a lot of my past was truly horrible, and I've worked very hard to move forward and look only towards the future. Or, at the simplest, just to be thankful for my present, and hope for more. There are definite situations where I never had 'closure'; never found out the why, never received an apology, an explanation, a thank you, or a an honest goodbye. And, if I'm still being truthful (why bother even typing this if I'm not), times when I've not given any of those either. When I really think about it... the things I'm at peace with, I'm there because of ME, not due to anything the other person said or did. I'm at peace because I made the decision to let go, to not be held hostage one more moment by ghosts of past hurts, and to forgive. I'm at peace because I looked inside, and learned to understand myself, my feelings, and my reactions. I learned that although I can't prevent or control other people's actions, I can very much handle MY actions, and reactions. I can recognize my triggers, and how I respond to them; and stop myself from hitting back. I can stop hurting myself further by acknowledging that when people do things to hurt you, it has more to do with their pain than your own. I can forgive them, and move on. I can forgive myself, for allowing it to happen, and by owning my part. Ghandi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." It's very true, it takes more strength to be a victor than a victim. But you must choose that, you must consciously choose to stand strong. Holding on to anger and hurt only affects you; the other person has most likely forgotten or moved on. Hating them is toxic, poisonous for you only, eating away at your heart and soul, and leaving less room for love and joy. Martin Luther King, Jr said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." If you sit with your anger and hate in a darkened room, refusing to see the light or let in love, you will remain miserable and alone. While others are out living in the sunshine, I may add.

Yes, there are still a few ghosts living in my closet, and a few monsters hiding under my bed... and sometimes they peek out at me. I'm guilty of shutting the door, closing the dust ruffle, and tucking my feet up sometimes. Other times I peek right back, stare them right in the eye, and say GTFOH! Someday I hope to have bid them all goodbye. For now, I think I will go sit outside. Love.

It's been a long time...

It's been so long since I've posted here, I don't even know where to begin. I've been through so much this year, there's definitely been plenty to write about...but somehow it feels like complaining. My intention was never for this blog to become a pity party, more to just express myself and sometimes, to just ramble. So, I've stayed away because I had nothing 'happy' to say. I'm realizing that I need this outlet, I need to stop internalizing the pain and let it go. Who cares what people think, if it helps me? Not that I don't value your opinions...I do. But honestly, the few people who actually may read this would understand anyway.

That's all for now...I will be posting soon. Just letting my fingers get in a bit of practice. Peace.

Has social media killed your social life?

We all love social media, myself included. Twitter, facebook, tumblr, skype, oovoo, liveprofile, etc etc. We behave as if we couldn't live without technology...text, email, BBM, IM. Yes, it saves time, but the result is that people don't actually TALK anymore. When you hear someone's voice, you also hear tone and inflection. Very important factors in determining emotion, intent, and honesty. Especially when a face-to-face conversation is not possible. You also may only be getting the person's 'representative', because it's easy to hind behind a computer or cell phone screen. Words are just that...words...nothing can replace personal interaction. We think we really KNOW people from twitter or facebook! People we have never met, or spoken to over the phone. Our generation is losing out and in danger of becoming unable to deal with people on a direct, intimate level. Young adults think nothing of texting while in the middle of a conversation, or even while working directly with a customer. I was raised that it's disrespectful not to give the person in front of you your full attention, and that if you need to take a call, check a text, email or whatever, you should excuse yourself. I am guilty of this from time to time as well, I can't even lie.What I also know is that I have been involved with men who REFUSED to talk on the phone, "I hate the phone" "texting is easier" "bbm is faster" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Perfect example...he travelled a lot for work, but didn't like to talk on the phone. Well sir, if I haven't seen you for two weeks, I need to hear your voice. A text just doesn't cut it. I love to text, I really do...it's quick, easy, and allows you to multitask better. But beware the person who NEVER calls...he/she is hiding something, intentionally or not. Or he/she lacks important communications skills. Either way, it's a red flag which causes me to throw in the towel.

Be well, friends. Hope to talk to you soon ;)

Help me to understand...

I need help trying to make sense of something....what could possibly drive a mother to cause the death of her child? In the past few years, I have seen an increasing number of news stories about this- mother drives her car, with her kids in it, into a river or lake, killing all...mother poisons her children then herself... But I have also seen fathers who have killed their entire family, wife and kids, then sometimes herself. My mind just can not wrap itself around this. I suppose it upsets me more when it's the mother, as opposed to the father...simply because she carried that child within her for nine months, and went through childbirth to give it life. Seems like that bond would be stronger. (I'm in no way discounting a father's bond)

Honestly, I'm always surprised and hurt to hear of any abuse towards children...whether it be physical or emotional... but MURDER? Although the fact that I am still capable of being surprised is somewhat extraordinary, considering the abuse I was dealt as a child and teenager. But.......MURDER? And suicide? What could possibly be more selfish and cowardly? As a parent, if you want to die, fine, you're selfish as hell...but don't kill your child(ren) as well. Why should an innocent child lose his or her life because you are too cowardly to overcome whatever obstacles have been thrown your way? Life can be hard as hell, and sometimes it seems like too much to bear, I understand that. But when you make the decision to bring a life into the world, you take on responsibility for that life. Forever, and beyond. If you can't handle it, find someone else who can. There are so many people unable to have children, who would jump through hoops for the opportunity to love and care for a child...why deny your child a chance to live and become the amazing person they were born to be? Simply because you are selfish enough to believe that the life God gave you is worth nothing, and that you have the right to throw it away?!? Selfish enough to believe that only your feelings matter? What about the people left behind...children, parents, family and friends....everyone is important in someone's life, whether they realize it or not. Suicide is an act of cowardice and pride...too scared to live and to proud to ask for help.

I am unafraid to ask for help; at this point in my life I have learned that it doesn't make me weak, it shows my inner strength and faith...in myself, my God, and in those I choose to include in my life. So...help me to understand this, my friends...

LOVE.

Strong

All my life people have been telling me how strong I am. Friends, lovers, ex-lovers, relatives, etc. usually it is around the time said person is breaking my heart, hurting me, betraying me, cheating on me, not being there for me or supporting me, or any other type of thing that precludes me having a reason to 'be strong'.

Yes, I am a strong woman. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I can, have and will survive whatever life throws at me. Does this mean I can never let go and be weak? That I can never lean on someone else for a bit? Do I really have to always suck it up and keep it moving? And please tell me WHY this seems to be an excuse for people to hurt me? "Vicki, you're a strong woman, you can handle it." Those words are like a death sentence...and I am so very tired of hearing them. No, I do not want to be a weak, spineless mess who can't take care of herself. But is there no middle ground? Where is the man who can be my strength when I am failing, who will always be there no matter what, to celebrate the ups and share the downs of life? Dear God, I take so much of my strength from you, and without you I know I am nothing. I know that you have someone special for me...can you please send him to me soon, as I don't know how much longer this woman can be this strong alone on this earth. Love.

See you...

I believe people come into your life for a reason. You can't always determine that reason at the first meeting. Sometimes it is crystal clear...sometimes it may take weeks, months, or even years. Other times you may not understand until the person is gone from your life. Yet still others it's a case of right person, wrong time...which seems to be the story of my life.

In the words of the amazing Ms. Erykah Badu...I guess I'll see you next lifetime...